Kingsman: The Secret Service

Ah, the life of being a gentleman spy. Cool cars, cool gadgets, lovely women, what's not to like about this awesome job? Well, this movie doesn't have any cool cars, but makes up the difference in the other two departments. What movie am I talking about? Kingsman: The Secret Service of course. This spy thriller makes a name for it's own, doing some things different than other spy flicks. Directed by Matthew Vaughn (also directed X-Men: First Class) this movie stars: Colin Firth, Samuel L. Jackson and Micheal Cain.

Looks like my closet.

The Plot:
Galahad (played by Firth) is training some potential Kingsman agents. When one sacrifices himself for the team, Galahad feels guilty and offers to help the dead man's family in any way. 17 years later, a professor (played by Mark Hamill) is kidnapped by billionaire Richard Valentine (Jackson). This alerts the Kingsman to go into action, but Lancelot (another agent) is killed in the process. This death leads to the other Kingsman agents to pick a suitable candidate for Kingsman training. Galahad runs into Eggsy, the son of the agent who sacrificed himself. Eggsy, a lowlife who lives with his mom, shows potential to be Kingsman material and is taken off to train. During the training, it is revealed Valentine is kidnapping politicians, royalty, musicians, etc for something big. Those not kidnapped, appear to be working with him for unknown reasons. Eggsy trains hard and ends up being one of the top 3 in his class, impressing everyone. Galahad pretends to be a billionaire to get Valentine's attention to find out more info, but instead gets Valentine's attention in the wrong way. Eggsy fails his last test and is kicked out of the Kingsman. Heading back home, he almost ends up in trouble, but Galahad intervenes.  Galahad is angry, but says he'll make things right after he gets called in for a mission. The mission quite possibly has one of the best fight sequences ever, and it's jaw droppingly awesome. However, Galahad is killed in the line of duty, Eggsy goes out to finish what he started. Valentine's plan is to wipe out humanity by using a SIM card that makes people become killers. Eggsy teams up with Merlin (the Q of Kingsman) and Lancelot (the student who passed) and goes to take down Valentine.

The Good:
Surprisingly, the plot's pretty good. It's silly and knows it is, and plays well on that. There's a few times where the actors make jokes about the cheesy Bond films and the movie does the opposite of what you'd expect. The actors do their roles pretty well, too. Firth is awesome as Galahad and he's fun to watch. Taron Egerton (Eggsy) does a decent job as well, watching him as a lowlife becoming an kick butt agent is entertaining. The fight scenes are well choreographed, though totally unrealistic at times, but still fun. And the scene where I mentioned Galahad fighting....well, let's say Jurassic World's got a contender for best fight. Overall, fun movie to watch.

The Bad:
The amount of swear words. Don't get me wrong, swearing is fine and all, but too much of it makes you come off as an idiot. There are better words to complete your sentences than cussing. The part where Galahad plays a billionaire to get Valentine's attention is a sin. They're at dinner and Valentine's vast amount of money to feed his guest is...McDonald's? Seriously? If I were his guest, I'd be peeved. Dude, you're a billionaire and you serve your guests $5 Big Macs? The hell? Mark Hamill's performance. While I like Mark, his British accent could use some work. Half the time it sounded like the Joker had moved to London and was mocking the people there. It was..not the best. There's also several times during the training scenes where they trick the students to make them adapt to certain situations. Each time, it turns out to be a lie, yet none of the students figure this out. It's a bit frustrating to see these people get the wool pulled over their eyes and none manage to figure out that there was no danger in the first place. Now, the movie itself. There were times where the soundtrack sounded identical to X-Men: First Class, so I got confused and forgot which movie I was watching. Couldn't they have made the music less like X-Men? Even some of the shots and fade aways were the same! Come on! It's like the movie was telling me, "Hey! This is the same guy who directed that good X-Men movie!" Yes, congratulations Matt Vaughn, I don't care, makeyour movie somewhat different!

Overall:
Kingsman: The Secret Service is a good movie. I like that it's clever to poke fun at old spy movies and yet do something different with it. As I said before, the plot's pretty decent and the actors do their roles well. I think it could have been better if I wasn't constantly reminded about X-Men: First Class.  
Bonus Round!

Merlin. This guy is awesome. He's like Q from James Bond, if Q could fly planes and shoot guns.

Rating:
4 umbrella guns out of 5.
 

Jurassic World. We've got bigger dinos!

 So, last time I reviewed a movie, I mentioned I'd be reviewing the newest Jurassic film, Jurassic World! I watched it a second time so I'd be giving my viewers an (mostly) unbiased review of this film. Directed by Colin Trevorrow and produced by Steven Spielberg, this movie stars Chris Pratt, Bryce Howard, and Ty Simpkins.

This is the sequel Jurassic Park deserved, personally. Now, was it as good as the first movie? Eh, not really, but it certainly made an impact. Also, it should be mentioned that this movie has nothing to do with Jurassic Park 2 and 3. So, hop on the monorail, get some photos of the mosasaurus, and welcome to Jurassic World! Oh, Spoilers ahead! If you haven't seen this movie, go it see it first. Or get spoiled, but don't get mad at me. I warned you.

Please, do not feed the raptors.

The Plot:
So, Jurassic Park apparently was a success and actually opened and then got a name upgrade. Visitors from all over the world come to see the park's attractions and eat brontosaurus meat. (Kidding) Two kids, Zach and Gray Mitchell go off to see their Aunt Claire, the park's operation manager. However, Claire is too busy with pointless things and has her assistant look after the boys. Meanwhile, Owen (played by Chris Pratt) is training velociraptors, because this is a Jurassic Park movie. And raptors are essential. Claire meets Owen and asks him to check out a new dinosaur the park has made to bring in more visitors. Dubbed the Indominus Rex, it's a hybrid dinosaur, and it's super mean. Owen and Claire find that the Rex is missing but it turns out it was smarter than the people who made it. Naturally, it escapes and goes on a hunting spree, causing the park to semi shut down. Zach and Gray escape from Claire's assistant and do their own thing but they come across the Indominus Rex. Claire and Owen go look for the boys and things go from bad to worse as dinosaurs begin attacking the visitors. Everyone comes together as they hunt the Indominus Rex. Many teeth are involved in one of the best action fight scenes ever created by man, oh my god, it's so awesome. Everyone leaves and we're asked the big questions, like what happened to Dr. Henry Wu?

Maybe Dr. Wu was eaten?

The Good:
Some of the plot's pretty decent. Bad dino escapes and people hunt it. Plain and simple. Some of the special effects are pretty stunning as well. There are some scenes where you say "CGI." but it's not bad CGI. Most of the dialogue between Claire and Owen are pretty funny. Chris Pratt does an exceptional job as Owen and maybe he might be in another movie? MORE SPOILERS!!! T-Rex vs Indominus Rex. Oh my god. This is probably one of the best fight scenes in cinema history. It makes everyone's inner 5 year old scream in delight. They may have disgraced the T-rex in Jurassic Park 3, but this movie redeems the T-rex. Quite well, to be honest. There are some pretty tense scenes that run well too.

The Bad:
Forgettable characters. Zach and Gray? They're dull. There's literally no point for them to be there, except to make Claire grow as a character. That's it. Weaponizing velociraptors? I can give you a list as to why that's a stupid, horrible idea. This subplot was just stupid. InGen's "leader" even says they domesticated dogs, they can do so with raptors. Need I remind you that took generations? Not a few months and hey, nice raptor. Thankfully, he gets killed. The over the top racist owner. Now, I don't know what the Indian actor's voice actually sounds like, but his character came off as over the top. And when he dies, it's meaningless. He blows up and you're thinking, "I didn't care that he died at all." There's also a subplot with the boys where you find out the parents sent them to the park so they could get a divorce. One, worst parents ever. Two, we get one and half scenes and it's never mentioned again. So the point of that was? Character development? Because nothing happened for them. And the biggest sin of all, people getting sick of seeing REAL dinosaurs so the park has to make new ones to keep customers coming. Seriously? Zoos in that universe must last two weeks before people get sick of zebras. I'd kill just to see any kind of dinosaur for the rest of my life. Now, the Indominus Rex. She's cool, but there are problems. One, she's made albino for some reason and makes it harder to see her. Why not make her hot pink? She has no natural predators so why make her harder to see? Two, why did you have to make her a killing machine? Why couldn't you make her a herbivore? I can run the park better than most of these morons combined. Chris Pratt's character is the only one who knows what's going on and every one's like, "We made them, so shut up." He reminds me of Ellen Ripley in Alien. They're the smartest ones of the group of people that they're with. Also, anybody, and I mean anybody can waltz into the control room. Security is a joke in this film.  Even the ACU (Asset Containment Unit) is set up to be this awesome squad of dino trackers, but they don't even last 30 seconds. And they use non lethal weapons even after it's apparent the Indominus Rex isn't going down from cattle prods.

Overall:
Despite all of the sins above, Jurassic World is a good movie. Like I said, it's the sequel Jurassic Park deserved. It has it's flaws, but it makes up for that with the effects and entertaining banter. If another movie is made, do the following: Resolve your subplots. Don't do weaponize X. It comes off as lazy writing and as been done too many times before. (We know it's a bad idea already, stop it.) Make your characters memorable. Lex and Tim? They were good. Also, I totally had to wikipedia the kids for this movie because, as I said they're forgettable. I didn't care whether they made it or not. Jurassic World is like the summer block busters of the early 90s. Fun, memorable and worth watching over and over again.

Rating:
3.5 million years in the making out of 5.

Welcome to....Jurassic Park!

Hey guys! It's that time of the year where we celebrate our nation's Independence. What better movie to watch than Jurassic Park? You totally thought I was going to say Independence Day didn't you? Yeah, well, this movie's much better. Inspired by the best selling novel of the same name and written by Micheal Crichton, this movie has some similarities. Directed by Steven Spielberg and starring Jeff Goldblum, Sam Neill and Lara Dern, welcome to Jurassic Park.

This ride looks like it's going to be fun.

The Story: John Hammond, CEO of InGen, and billionaire, is in the process of creating a cross between an amusement park and zoo filled with dinosaurs. However, before he opens the park he invites Dr(s) Grant and Ellie Sattler(paleontologists), Ian Malcolm (a Chaos Theorist) and Donald Genaro (blood sucking lawyer) to "assess" the park. At first, everything seems to be fine.The dinosaurs are there, things seem to be well kept, the lab assistants are happy, etc. There's one problem though, Malcolm doesn't believe everything will go according to plan and chaos will ensue. Genaro, the lawyer, is ecstatic and thinks the park will be a hit. Oh and Hammond's grand kids show up too. But as you know, if something goes wrong, everything goes wrong. Dennis Nedry (Wayne Knight) shuts down the park in order to steal dinosaur embryos for InGens competition. Things go from bad to worse when the parks electric fences go down and the dinosaurs learn that they're free. Dinosaurs on the loose can only mean one thing. Chaos. People become the hunted and dinosaurs end up at the top of the food chain. It's a fight for survival and who knows what the end game might be.

The Good:
This movie is a cinematic masterpiece. This movie made CGI a possibility though, it's not always a good thing at times... These special effects are just astoundingly awesome. You feel the terror when the T-Rex tries to eat small children in a Ford. The performance from the actors is excellent, while the story keeps you on the edge of your seat. Some of the best lines are said in this movie too. "She doesn't want to eat, she wants to hunt!" "Life finds a way." And the most famous line in movie history, "Clever girl." This movie should be what movies now should strive to be. It's certainly aged well too. I mean, the CGI's not great, but the robotic dinosaurs definitely add a certain realism to the movie. Other movies like Phantom Menace for example look like garbage compared to this. And P.M. came out 6 years after Jurassic Park! This movie is an almost perfect movie and that's hard to come by nowadays.

I'm sorry I mentioned that crappy Star Wars movie, I really am.

The Bad:
Now, this is more like nitpicking, since it's really hard to find "major" problems in this film. Muldoon, for example is an expert on predatory animals and used to run safari expeditions. In the book, this guy blew off a velociraptor's  leg with a grenade launcher. In the movie, well, he gets bamfoozled by said dinosaur. I realize the raptors are smart, but you'd think with a bunch of hunting experience, Muldoon could at least trick a raptor or two. Lex, Hammond's granddaughter, is deemed a "hacker" meaning Hollywood thinks hackers are mystical beings who can use magic on computers. In one scene, when everyone is trying to get the park working again, Lex uses a computer. She doesn't "hack" anything, she just figures out the computer like a normal person would. That scene, while intense, is pointless when it comes to the "hacking" thing. Other than that, just minor things.

Overall:
Jurassic Park is cinematic perfection. It keeps the pacing nice and tidy, the characters are well written and believable, and the effects are so lovely. While the book is better, the movie does a pretty good job at keeping most of the similarities between the book and film. If you've seen Jurassic World  and liked it, I suggest you see the movie that started it all. You won't be disappointed.
4.5 velociraptors in the freezer out of 5. 

P.S. I will review Jurassic World. Eventually. I've already seen it, but I had a bad case of Fanboy-itis. I'll see it again to give you an (mostly) unbiased review.